My parents bought me a bike for Christmas when I was about 4. That’s a long time ago now but I do remember it was red and it had stabilisers. I rode it up and down the street, my father holding on to it and running behind me for a while, then I was on my own and shortly after, the stabilisers were removed. That’s about all I remember about the bike except for the time I ran away and took it with me. I only ran to the lane behind the house. I’m pretty sure I didn’t actually run as that is not really my style. I also remember doing my cycling proficiency certificate when I was in Mr Williams’s class in junior school when I would have been about 8. I didn’t like Mr Williams. Not that there was anything specifically wrong with him but he liked the sporty types and I was never going to be one of them. Nonetheless, I passed the certificate and then I never used my bike again.

When I went to Uni, I bought a second hand Raleigh Shopper for 20 pounds. I used it to cycle back and for to the campus from the halls of residence with my rucksack of books in the basket at the front. It served its purpose. It had 3 gears but was stuck in second so I never experienced changing gears on a bike. I don’t recall precisely what happened to it but as soon as I started on attachments in hospitals around Birmingham it went the way of all flesh and was never seen again.

My current bike was purchased at Hedgehog Bikes in Onehunga about 8-9 years ago. I had good intentions to use it regularly, get into cycling and fit at the same time. It didn’t happen. It’s moved house with me twice and accummulated dust and cobwebs along the way. It can’t be ridden as the tyres are flat and I have no pump but also because it appears to have a lot of gears and I have absolutely no idea what to do with them. Then there are the brakes. Someone helpfully told me you only pull the back one. Well then, why is there a front one? And how do I tell which is the front and which is the back? See, I’ve never understood this phrase, “it’s like riding a bike” to imply something is easy. Actually, it’s confusing. Well, it is for me anyway.

So, how on earth will I cycle for 468 kms in 8 days? In the heat and humidity? In lycra? With people I don’t know? Possibly up and down hills? I have no answers other than it seemed like a good idea at the time…

Here’s a video of me attempting (and failing) to explain my total loss of mind which lead to making such a crazy decision and another of me showing you my bike. I should explain that, not surprisingly, I have yet to master the use of the phone as a video. I also have no idea why the previews are sideways but the videos themselves seem ok.

Hello and welcome to my blog. How terribly formal, I hear you say but it seemed like the right thing to say, like the opening of a BBC quiz show.

So, here we are. My first blog post. Why? Well, partly why not and partly because I’ve been boring the pants off people with my witterings at every occasion for too long – at parties, over coffee, on the phone, Facebook and so it goes on. I suspect the keenness of friends and family for me to get a blog is just an attempt to not have to listen to me or have their social media feeds clogged up with my ramblings.

Everyone who knows me knows that I like a good anecdote. I seem to have one for any and every occasion and I don’t hesitate to use them. I actually don’t really know how I’ve accumulated them all. I come from a conventional background and have never really done anything startling with my life and my existence could often be described as boring. Yet, sometimes I feel like I am drifting along in a weird parallel universe. It often seems to me like anything that could go wrong does go wrong. Who else gets dropped by an Uber driver in the wrong street at 2am and doesn’t notice until they’ve driven off, leading to an hour-long walk home in a ball gown and heels? Talking of which, who else manages to accidentally sign up to be an Uber driver when they already have about 3 jobs? And who else manages to sign up for a 468 km long charity bike ride in Sri Lanka in 3 months’ time when they’ve never really been on a bike and they don’t like the heat?

My mate T has not been so well. She suggested the charity bike ride. It seemed like a good idea at the time. Generally I live a life of indecision and procrastination. I like menus containing only 5 items as otherwise I can never choose. After all, you don’t get to be a bit chubby like me by being fussy. I once had to get a friend to choose my food at Bubba Gump’s as those chain restaurants in the US seem to have menus that are more extensive than the Oxford English dictionary and with descriptions so long that I am salivating over literally everything. But occasionally, and I mean very occasionally as in almost never, I make a snap decision from which there is no swerving.

So, Sri Lanka in February it is. Trying to get cycle fit is going to see me lurch from one disaster to the next. This is obvious. As my sister once mused when someone asked how I’d got myself into some crazy caper yet again: this is H after all… Here we go. Hold tight readers. We’re going to have a blast.