I’m a gastroenterologist. I’m not shy about bottoms. I care about my bottom, I care about yours and so should you! It’s the only one you’ll get… I know that you will already be sniggering at the screen and thinking “oh here so goes again”.
So, firstly, if you’re over 50, make sure you get your bowel cancer screening. It’s there for a very good reason. Of course, if you develop symptoms you’re worried about, you don’t have to wait until you’re 50. That would be crazy because early detection is the key to survival in bowel cancer. The rest is simple. It’s just poo, faeces, stool, crap, shit, doo-doo, whatever you personally prefer to call it, although I draw the line at effluent which would surely feature on a list of the top 10 most horrible words. Why be embarrassed? We all produce it whether we like it or not and ultimately, it’s just food, bile and secretions. Get friendly with it, embrace it and be proud of it. I’ll fess up that I quite like mine. Why wouldn’t I? It’s all my own work after all.
Otherwise, the most important thing you can do for your rear end is to use good toilet paper and make sure you protect yourself from any “insults”. One such threat is cycling 400-plus kilometres. But, not for me. Oh no! The much talked about chafing of which everyone was so very keen to forewarn me, remains an alien concept which I had yet to experience. Why? Because my mate Anne equipped me with a little pot of magic slipped discreetly into my handbag at work just before departure on the cycling trip of a lifetime. So grateful would I eventually turn out to be to Anne, that I even forgave her for not fulfilling her promise to double her sponsorship if I could get all Sri Lankan cyclists, including our resident celebrity, to don one of Jean’s infamous face masks and record a video. That was a face mask per person by the way, not one shared between us as that would be really weird… Anyway, this fairy dust cream is ironically (or maybe not) named Assos. You scoop a generous handful and literally slather it all over your crown jewels. Leave not even a square millimetre of your precious skin untouched by this gorgeousness. And don’t wear knickers. That’s right, no knickers, just your padded cycle shorts. Apply some cream to the padding too. Then, you’ll be set for a whole day in the saddle without a care in the world. Except that is for cows in the road, crazy speeding buses, torrential rain, extreme humidity and heat, hills, punctures and your fingers becoming numb from gripping on to the handlebars for dear life throughout these horrors. But, at least your ass will be fine which is really important if you enjoy sitting on it or walking when you’re not on your bike.
By the way, I’ll know if my sister reads this because she’ll be along very shortly to tell me not to be so crude. But it’s my bottom, why not look after it like I would my hair or my nails or my teeth? I wouldn’t cycle all that way without water or suncream after all as that would also be foolish.
So, today I have taken care of my arse, ass, butt, bottom, posterior or whichever you prefer by purchasing a bulk load of this wonderful stuff in anticipation of the 2500 kms of cycling I have promised to do. Something tells me I will still need more. I’ve also taken the opportunity to indulge myself in some other bottom-related loveliness but I’ll leave that to the video which says it all, except to add that if you’re Australian, your equivalent is called I Don’t Give a Sh*t. You’ll thank me one day for caring so much for you.
You’re welcome xx